


Well... f-

by Lotorsass



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Birth, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Crack Treated Seriously, Don't Read This, Gay Keith (Voltron), M/M, Mpreg, Please Kill Me, no one takes Lance seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-01-22 11:07:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21301028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lotorsass/pseuds/Lotorsass
Summary: Keith is pregnant, but no one believes him, heck, I didn't believe him till he pushed the baby out."I told you I was in labor."
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 214





	1. Chapter 1

Well it happened, it finally happened. Lance and Keith were going to have a baby. 

Everyone just assumed Keith was getting fat, because what the hell, men cannot take part in that glorious thing called pregnancy. But they were wrong, Keith was eggo preggo, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. 

Lance had amassed lots of baby supplies as Keith had gotten more and more pregnant. They asked what it was for, and he’d always reply. “For the baby, duh.” Which he was always assumed to be sarcastically saying. They just thought he was being weird, because no one ever takes Lance seriously, being that he is always pushed into the comic relief corner for time out. 

So by the time Keith was ready to give birth, everyone was clueless. Keith winced in pain, holding onto his stomach. 

“Indigestion?” Pidge commented nonchalantly. 

Keith shook his head, squeezing his eyes tight. “It’s been like this all day, I think that I’m going into labor.” 

Hunk snorted, “Isn't that a little extreme? It can’t be that bad.”

But it was that bad, and Keith chose to ignore it through lunch, finally going to his room, laying down on his bed. Lance looked over at the boy who was breathing heavily. “You’re really going into labor aren’t you?” He asked, and Keith painfully nodded. “I’ll go get help.” 

Lance ran through the rooms of the castle, yelling out that Keith was in labor. No one listened, thinking it to be a ludicrous prank from Keith mentioning his “indigestion”. By the time Lance made it back to Keith, they were in a worse situation than before, no help, and Keith had shed his pants and underwear, so that he could push the baby out from honestly, who knows where. 

Keith gripped the sheets underneath him, as Lance stood at the business end of things, waiting to catch the child. As time went on, Lance could actually see the head coming out. 

“Alright, just a little longer, you can do this.” Lance encouraged Keith. 

“Doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice.” Keith griped breathily. 

They finally got the baby out, a beautiful little girl with mysterious origins. All they knew was that they had somehow made a baby, and that was enough. Keith held her in his arms, and kissed the top of her head. 

“Hey guys, it's time for train-” Hunk came in, but stopped in shock, looking at the small family. 

Keith just raised an eyebrow. 

“I told you I was in labor.” 


	2. I’m back bitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Betcha thought this was the last of me! Lol   
Yeah I pulled the “it was all a dream” card. This fanfic is purely for /my/ enjoyment, ya’ll lucky I post this shit.

Keith bolted up from his bed with a start. He looked down at his torso.

Yup, no baby, and still fat…

“Mmh, babe, what’s going on?” Lance mumbled next to Keith, his eyes shut tight. 

Keith blinked, shaking his head. “N-nothing… I just had the craziest dream.” 

Lance sighed, bringing Keith close into a cuddle. “Cool, cool, go back to sleep.”

“I… I got to go to the bathroom.” Keith said, wiggling out of Lance’s hold, and getting up out of bed. 

He went over to the toilet, hunching over it. Damn, there was something awful going on inside of him. Maybe stale food goo? Keith grunted, trying to push out the poop. He stayed like that for awhile, the pain only worsening. He tried to bite back any sounds, even stop pushing, but his nether regions were under some intense pressure. Was it hemroids? 

Lance showed up in the doorway. “Are you alright?” He asked with concern. “I can hear you all the way over in the other room.” 

“I need you to check something.” Keith was able to breathe out. “Please, I-” pain ripped through him, and he screamed louder than he ever thought he could in the middle of the night. He couldn’t stop it anymore, he pushed, feeling like it went on for ages. He heard a plop in the toilet, then-

Screaming.   
Tiny screaming from the toilet to be precise. 

Both boys froze, and looked at each other, Keith shakily standing up. Blood dripped down his legs, and he closed his eyes tight for just a moment, before looking down at the toilet. 

“Oh my god!” He cried out, picking up a baby, yes, a baby, from the toilet. It’s skin was tan, like Lance’s, but had midnight hair in the similarity of Keith. He was shaken to his very core. “It’s just like my dream…” he muttered, wishing that this was one as well. 

“And you’re not… you’re not trans right?” Lance asked hesitantly. “I mean- I know you’re not, but is it a galra thing?! I mean, you’d think…” he trailed off, covering his mouth with his hand. “I don’t know what to think.” He muttered.

The poor baby in Keith’s arms had cried herself (it was a her, which didn’t hurt anything, but didn’t solve anything either) to sleep. “I don’t know what to think either.” Keith said.

What were they going to tell the others? This was most unprecedented indeed.


	3. Why is this still happening???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying not to take this seriously, but I've accidentally done something....

Keith hadn’t left his room for days. There was a small child to care for, and they hadn’t told jack shit to anyone. Somehow, Keith was lactating for the newborn, which raised several questions, but it sure was fucking convenient, so all Lance had to worry about, aside for keeping all of this hidden from the team, was getting Keith meals. 

“This is bullshit.” Pidge said, slamming her hands on the dinner table. “Keith’s been sick for what, a week now, and no one’s seen him aside for lover boy over here? He should at least try to go in a healing pod if it’s that bad!” 

Lance bit at his nails, looking down. “You don’t- you shouldn’t pressure him… it’s really difficult for Keith right now.” He could feel the bags under his eyes getting heavier. Lance was helping take the night shift with Christine, the name they gave the baby, and it was exhausting. He knew he was underperforming in almost every way Paladin-wise, but at least he had his small family. 

“You know we only care about you two.” Hunk said, trying to play good cop, or maybe he was just sincere, Lance wasn’t sure. “You don’t look too hot, and it’s obviously because you’re trying to be there for Keith. Just tell us what’s going on.” 

“I don’t- I don’t think you’d believe me.” Lance stuttered. 

Pidge snorted. “We are literally in a space castle with two and a half resident aliens, so try me.”

“Three.”

“No Keith is a half, because he’s part human.” Pidge argued.

Lance sighed. “What I mean is… there’s another half human on board, our daughter, Christine.” 

The faces that everyone donned at this revelation were hilarious, pupils shrunk and mouths ajar. 

“You kidnapped a child?!” Pidge exclaimed running out of the room to the bedroom hall.

“Wait- fuck- No! PIdge!” Lance called out, chasing after Pidge. Everyone followed in a hurried speed, and lo and behold, they all found Keith, looking like a deer caught in the headlights, cradling Christine in his arms. 

Lance rubbed at his eyes, just trying to figure out how to explain to the entire team this new information. “I don’t know what to say but… Keith actually gave birth to her in the scariest hour of my life.” 

“/You/ were scared?” Keith tsked, “I was beyond scared, and in pain… a lot of pain…” he looked solemn at the end, and sat down, rocking the baby in a towel that was the closest thing they could find to a baby blanket. “I never thought this could happen, but it did, and I want to keep her.” 

Shiro approached them as Keith visibly shook. He looked down at the child, whose pinched violet-gray eyes were undeniably Keith-like. “This… this is yours?” 

“Uh… yeah, Lance and mine. We had sex, and I had no idea- I mean, I knew that it was risky because of stds, but we were both virgins, so we took the chance, and it lead to this beautiful girl.” Said beautiful girl squealed, grabbing at the air between her and Shiro. “I think she likes you.” 

“Can I be the first to say: what the literal fuck.” Pidge said, pulling at her hair, “this has got to be some biological tom fuckery, that’s what it is.” 


End file.
